Author Nina Edmondson - Hypnotherapist - Yoga Therapist - NLP Practitioner - Meditation Guide  Non-Violent Communication For you, your family, friendships, partnerships and colleagues Ever wonder why someone behaves they do? Did a thing they did? Maybe after knowing this person for 'X amount of years' you think you already know? Do you agree that everyone's different? We can only perceive from our own point of view - with the 'tools' available to us. Our senses. Our experiences. Our personal logic. No-one can mind-read. Why we sometimes behave the way we do We can get negatively triggered by all sorts of input and react accordingly. When you're triggered by something not to your liking - your internal red-alert goes off. You push that thing away. Defending yourself by rejecting it. With anger (fight), with avoidance (flight), with non-action (freeze). No-one can mind read - so it makes sense to ask People who aren't used to reflecting on the cause and effect of their actions can feel uncomfortably confronted when asked about them - and react defensively. Most often our motives aren't clear to us - until we look below the surface. * See links at bottom of article. I'm a very curious person - my top value being 'truth' whatever variation of the truth that may be. Personal Truths, Universal Truths. I can be very direct - and in the past often blurted out my curiosity - then felt stumped when others reacted in defense. I now know that my questions may have felt like interrogations rather than inquisitiveness. And that my curiosity was sometimes misunderstood as criticism. I'm continuously working on my delivery. I do this by: Asking permission & providing a back-out clause: "I'm curious, can I ask you a question? - if you don't feel like answering that's OK!" Being Clear about my Motives: "I'm not asking from a place of criticism - but from one of curiosity. I'm asking because I'd love to understand". If you really are interested in the truth of the matter at hand - instead of jumping to conclusions about other people's inner worlds (assuming you can mind-read) which promotes judgement and blame (and pushes that person away from you). 1. Reflect on the cause and effect of your own triggers (for how can you begin to understand others if you're unable to reflect on your own). 2. Ask permission before delving into 'deep waters' and make it clear that you don't expect an answer. (Cornering people isn't nice). 3. Reflect on how you deliver your curiosity / express your needs. Consider when communicating your thoughts that they are about you. You can’t know what another person is thinking or feeling until they tell you. You can only know about yourself. Emphasise how YOU feel - not what you think the person is 'doing wrong'. This shifts the focus away from the other, allowing them to 'take a step back' without getting defensive - and gives them insight into your world. 4. Listen to their answers - and if that person's truth doesn't gel with yours - remember - everyone is different. It's not about making someone into another version of yourself or about 'fixing' them - but about clearing up misconceptions, expressing feelings and needs clearly, developing trust and deepening relationships/intimacy. 5. If someone isn't up for reflecting on their triggers, feelings, needs and behaviour - that's up to them. Reflection and deeper understanding of yourself is a personal decision and nothing that can be forced. Accept that person's decision and move on. 6. Humour! Being more mindful and self aware doesn't have to be super serious! Keeping it light and being able to laugh at ourselves prevents us from becoming too self absorbed - and it's a lot more fun in the process! Here are 3 Fun Communication Games to play * Looking below the surface: Mindfulness Meditation NLP Time Based Techniques The Conscious and Subconscious Mind Further reading: Practicing NonViolent Communication The following are vocab lists that may help in expressing yourself more clearly. The Center For NonViolent Communication:
0 Comments
Author Nina Edmondson - Hypnotherapist - Yoga Therapist - NLP Practitioner - Meditation Guide  “You can’t go on a journey if you don’t have a map” Wise words once uttered by a friend of mine. I think he was a bit bemused by my lack of security, no regular job or fixed identity with one particular country or culture - at my tendency to allow life to unfold. I’ve been on many journeys without a map and don’t regret any of them. They've brought me rich experiences that have helped me grow - and many other treasures. I believe a deep wisdom lies in fearless surrender to the situation at hand - to experience it fully with curiosity, passion, and appreciation - to melt into the full spectrum of the moment of ‘What Is’ - and let go of the need to control. Not clinging to pleasure - hoping it will never escape your grasp - or be consumed by pain, fearing it will never end. (Buddha stuff). To BE - in ‘The Now.’ He had a good point though. Goals are Essential. We all need a sense of progress. Of skipping merrily forwards in accomplishment. ‘Being in the Now’ has nothing to do with not making future plans. It's about being present. Your life is an accumulation of moments By being present in these moments you notice - and by allowing 'what is' to unfold without expectation of definite outcomes written in stone - you open the door to creativity and close it on disappointment. Heeding my friend's advice, I started a list. I really got into it. It got very long. It ranged from finding my lost cat to understanding the secrets of the Universe. My Reflections: What I noticed back then during the process was this; A skeptical voice in my head sneering “Who are you trying to kid?” I realised then that my need to live 'in the now' had been masking my fear of failure. I'd utilised this philosophy as an excuse not to make plans that could fall through. Our biggest critics are ourselves. The niggling voice that screeches “Impossible!”, or tries to keep you safe - bless it - and in doing so - Blots Out Your passion, your creativity, your sense of purpose, your . . . . . . . . . D. r. e. a. m. s. Dis-connecting you from your capacity to grow and live your life to its full potential. After throwing a metaphorical custard pie in the face of my inner-critic, I began to notice a change. I felt; • a warm and truthful connection to myself • an acceptance and appreciation of my uniqueness • growing excitement of the yet unknown • an uncensored, unedited free-flow of creative ideas • the growing belief that anything is possible • a feeling of expansion • the extension of the feeling of being fully present, projected into future possibility A Recipe for You: Make a list called “What I Want”.
Many things on my list have already and continue to materialise as if . . . by magic. There have been hurdles. That’s life. We get stuck. We get un-stuck. We learn. We grow. Stay aware of your inner critic - stay aware of your goals - how the essence of them feel - believe they are possible and then - they are. AuthorNina Edmondson - Hypnotherapist - Yoga Therapist - NLP Practitioner - Meditation Guide  As I hesitantly handed over my phone to the admin of a meditation retreat, I had no idea my life was at a crossroads. This day marked the beginning of my journey into the unknown. The extraordinary venture below the surface of my rambling mind. At the time I felt I was agreeing to some kind of torture - which didn't fade as I put pen to paper, signing a promise to remain silent for the next 10 days. A fellow traveler had told me about a retreat he'd visited - and so, being a lover of curious escapades, I thought I'd give it a go. Although I'm grateful for this life-changing experience, diving into the deep-end like I did isn't necessary, even 10 minutes of meditation can open up a whole new world of well-being. The benefits of meditation have been championed by diverse personalities. Social media is heaving with inspirational quotes on the subject - and the majority of people have heard that it's supposed to do you good. Back then though in 2003 - before the internet had exploded information to the light of day, my brain was still living in a very dark cave. "Whatever", I remember thinking, "At least it'll make a good story". The Key To Happiness is Inside The biggest story to take seed, grow and change my life in those 10 days was this: My well-being depends on how I decide to view my world. "We all want to be happier, whatever our idea of that means," says Mattieu Ricard, once molecular biologist - now Buddhist monk, in his TED talk on The Habits of Happiness. He encourages us to stop looking outside for answers and to take a peek inside. After all, there's no escape from yourself. Wherever you go, here you are Fifteen years down the line, I still - of course - feel emotion like any other person, though thanks to meditation I understand my thoughts and feelings more deeply - and can deal with them in healthier, more constructive ways than I used to. As Jon Kabat-Zinn, founder of the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine says, "You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." The Key to Wisdom Want to be the best version of yourself? Want to be happier? Most of us trick ourselves into believing we'll finally be happy when we buy that car, get that partner, earn enough money, or go on that holiday. All of the above can of course add to our comfort and pleasure - temporarily. How long will it be though, before we chase after the next best thing? We constantly search for lasting contentment outside ourselves - and that never works. The way you habitually think creates your capacity for well-being - or creates your feelings of discontent. Meditation isn't about mind control or emptying the mind of thought. It's about connecting to yourself - knowing how your thoughts change the way you feel - how they influence your experience of life, and ultimately about connecting to others and the natural world - which brings a sense of expansiveness - of being a part of all there is. When we meditate we gain deeper insight, stop blindly reacting and see the bigger picture. One of possibility, beauty, peacefulness and love (the non-conditional kind). The Beginnings of Meditation Though it can seem like a modern trend, forms of meditation have been around for thousands of centuries in many varying countries, cultures, religions and schools of philosophy - east and west. The earliest documentation of Meditation stems from the Vedas, ancient Hindu texts by true masters of mind and consciousness. If you're skeptical about notes scribbled by men in loincloths in the distant past, you don't have to take their word for it, even Opera Winfrey's been quoted as saying, "Only from that space (while meditating) can you create your best work and your best life." Author Nina Edmondson - Hypnotherapist - Yoga Therapist - NLP Practitioner - Meditation Guide  Your thoughts affect your well-beingMy cat didn't come home last night and I started to worry. My friend’s cat had gone missing the same day. I live in Bali where it's not uncommon for pets to mysteriously disappear. I call her name into pitch darkness along deserted muddy pathways between the rice fields. Like a scene from a Grim fairy tale, rustling, squeaking and croaking emit from the undergrowth as my torch and fireflies light the way. She's nowhere to be found. I decide to leave the front door ajar in the hope she'll sneak in during the night. Lying there I start to imagine the worst. A cat-culling scenario or her lying in a ditch, poisoned. I begin to have future conversations in my mind, projecting my frustration, grief and helplessness onto the locals for allowing this to happen. I wallow in my loss and the emptiness of it. All this imagining makes me feel nervous and a little sick so I breathe deeply to calm myself and manage to doze. Then at some point a munching sound tugs me back to consciousness. I ignore it at first, being used to nature here in the rice fields with its constant soundscape of tropical creatures buzzing and scratching and scraping and squawking. “But maybe”, I think, and get up to poke my head around the bathroom door - and see her there - greedily polishing off a mouse. A huge sigh of relief - and time for a little reality check to reflect on how my thoughts had raced. I’d given colourful life to totally imagined scenarios - making the connected emotional response feel extremely real. I’d felt actual guilt, grief and anger due to a non-existent totally self-fabricated future. My worry thoughts had affected my general emotional state. They'd fed my distress. I don’t have a fear of the dark, of strangers, spiders the size of my hand, things that go bump in the night or of cleaning up bloody rodent leftovers. My cat though is a little anchor to me living here. The cat-alyst so to speak in my decision to stay. In the past we’ve been separated by months and continents, then miraculously found each other again. I fear going through that again. But, one fundamental truth about life is; Everything Changes - Nothing Stands Still Allowing your thoughts to focus on future worse-case scenarios (worrying) amplifies fear of change. I’m working on being alright about whatever life hurls at me. We can’t control or influence every outcome. If you don't want your thoughts to dictate your well-being - you have to make an intervention. Stepping in with awareness and noticing when you start to write novels in your mind - mistaking fantasy for reality. I didn’t do too well last night, but usually when I catch myself worrying, these are some strategies I utilise to find another perspective and calm myself. 12 Ways to Stop Worrying 1. BREATHING - ground yourself by following your breath from your head to your feet as you exhale and from your feet to your head as you inhale. Focusing on the breath brings you back HOME. It calms the nervous system and embodies you, bringing your attention away from unconstructive mind chatter. 2. REPEATING - a mantra (a repetition of any inspiring or supportive word/s) - over and over. When worry thoughts are at their loudest, I find this the most effective technique - by focusing on one sentence - other thoughts quieten down. (The mind can't focus on everything at once). Examples could be: “I am loved”, “I am enough”, “I Can/Am (insert your own word)”. 3. BRINGING - your attention to the outer present moment. Noticing the NOW, the beauty, quirkiness, humour, love, inspiration right in front of you. 4. DOING - something you love - whatever that is, for me it’s usually messing around with graphics in Photoshop, writing, walking in nature, taking photos. Do YOUR thing. 5. MOVING - get back into your body. Walk, run, dance, do yoga, play an active game/sport, jump up and down to music - again, this is very grounding and can calm your mind as much as sitting still in meditation! 6. TAKING ACTION - Brainstorm options/possible solutions on paper - then take action towards the things you can influence - however small. Knowing you've done what you possibly can will greatly help you to transcend powerlessness, feel constructive or help you find a sense of closure. 7. NOTICING - when a worry thought/fear pops up (mindfulness) - our most fundamental need is to feel safe, and we react to anything threatening that security. Name it for what it is. A worry thought. An imagining. 8. WATCHING - the thought as a witness - from a third person perspective, like a fly on the wall. Objectively - without identifying personally with the 'story' - it’s just a thought - it doesn’t define YOU. You are way more than a passing thought (mindfulness meditation). 9. TUNING INTO - your body, to the inner present moment - the feelings connected to the thoughts - Notice how your thoughts affect you physically - and which emotion is connected to this physical sensation (mindfulness). Examples; Stomach: nausea = helpless. Shoulders: tension = stress. Throat: tightness = frustration/anger. And so on. When you've identified which parts of the body are affected, send your breath there as you exhale - while telling that part of the body to relax and let go. 10. MEDITATING - in the calm space of 'open monitoring' meditation - waiting patiently for deeper insights. When you don’t focus on the details (the story attached to the thought), deeper truths arise. Always. 11. ASKING - yourself about the CAUSE of this EFFECT - The effect is the worry thought. What caused it? - I always look beneath the first answer that pops up as this is usually a reactive/defensive answer and not the root cause. How am I reacting/projecting my own insecurities onto others? etc. This is much easier to do after first calming yourself with body and breath awareness. 12. REMEMBERING - what you have - Being grateful - directing your thoughts to all the positive things in your life, big and small - breathe it all in, breathe out a thank you from your heart. This is instantly uplifting - and the more you notice, the more you notice. p.s. my friend found her cat too = Happy End!  No Worries Author Nina Edmondson - Hypnotherapist - Yoga Therapist - NLP Practitioner - Meditation Guide  Communication Games In light of the #MeToo awareness campaign I thought I’d offer something a little different. These games will help to raise the players awareness - of what they want - what they don’t want - and be able to communicate from a place of integrity. Although we can’t change what happened in the past - we can ALL learn to understand ourselves and communicate more effectively (whatever our gender or sexual orientation) - which will help to prevent unwanted situations in the future. To learn something it helps to have our own experience of it. I’m thinking if more people play games like this it would ground them more deeply in awareness of self, clarify their needs and boundaries, help avoid misguided expectation and judgement, increase ability to communicate clearly, develop empathy, bring more playfulness, honesty and intimacy into relationship AND be a whole lot of fun in the process. Warm Up - (to get grounded) Before each game these tips will help you get settled and calm: Close your eyes, take some deep breaths then give yourself time (a few minutes) to notice / become aware of:
Game One - Who Are You? Objectives:
How to Play: This is a one of my favourites. It's fun and apart from the above, helps remind us that we are way more than the usual definition of job or other roles. It's really simple. You take turns asking "Who are you?" and answer with one / two words each time.
Then repeat for as long as you like - I've played it before for up to an hour! Just keep going - even when you feel awkward or stuck. Try to be spontaneous and keep it in-the-moment. That means listening to the other (be present to their process instead of preparing what you’ll say next). Let it unfold organically and come from the gut. Allow yourself to be surprised by what comes out of your mouth!
curious / a dancer / a nature lover / fire / a cynic / strong / an introvert / grateful / adventurous / a giver / spontaneous / enthusiastic / an over-thinker / wise / silly / playful / impatient / light / shadow / the breeze / an organizer / a reader / an explorer / an observer / creative / a lover / an artist / a thinker / a singer / the universe! Game Two - Noticing Objectives:
How to Play: The more vulnerable, edgy and unfiltered, the more exhilarating and engaging this game becomes. This means sharing whatever comes up, nervousness, enjoyment, frustration, embarrassment etc., and being honest! Person A: What I notice when I’m with you is… Person B: Hearing that, I’m noticing . . . Person A: Hearing that, I’m noticing . . . Person B: Hearing that, I’m noticing . . . Play for as long as you like! Tip: Consider when communicating your thoughts that they are about you. You don’t know what your partner is thinking / how they are feeling until they tell you. You can only know about yourself. When you talk about how you notice you emphasise how YOU feel - This shifts the focus away from the other, which lets them take a step back without getting defensive - and gives him/her insight into your world. Game Three - Can I? Objectives:
Important bit - Do not touch your partner - even if the answer is “YES”. I suggest playing the version WITH TOUCH only after playing the first 5 rounds. How to Play: Ask your partner / friend if you can use a specific kind of touch on a specific part of their body. It’s more fun to be playful and inventive! Make sure you wait for a clear yes before touching. Important bit - Do not touch your partner - even if the answer is “YES”. I suggest playing the version WITH TOUCH only after playing the first 5 rounds. Round 1 Person A asks the question "Can I ( . . . )” and waits for the reply. Person B answers “NO”. A few examples: Can I hold your hand? Can I massage your feet? Can I scratch your back? Can I give you a hug? Can I lick your face? Can I pinch your ( . . . )? Can I squeeze your thighs? Can I stroke your hair? Can I bite your ( . . . )? Can I put my finger . . . This is repeated for 5 minutes or so with Person A asking different questions and Person B replying “NO” each time. (Even if something sounds nice). At the end of the round, Person B closes their eyes and reflects on all the questions asked. What felt like a “YES”? What felt like a “NO”? What felt like a “maybe"? (a maybe is a no until it feels like a yes). Round 2 Switch roles - Person B asks, Person A answers with “NO” - then closes their eyes to reflect as above. Round 3 Person A asks similar questions - Person B answers all questions with “YES” even if they don’t want what’s suggested. (Remember - do not follow through on the actual touch). Person B then closes their eyes to reflect as above. Round 4 Switch roles - Person B asks, Person A answers with “YES” - then closes their eyes to reflect as above. Round 5 Authentic Questions - Authentic Answers - WITHOUT TOUCH Each person takes a turn asking and answering. The person questioning now asks for anything they really want to do. This time, the person being asked responds authentically - communicating honestly what they want (Yes), and what they don't want (No). Remember - a 'maybe' is a 'No' until you're sure either way. Round 6 Authentic Questions - Authentic Answers - WITH TOUCH If you want to, take in turns to ask for what you would like (specific touch in a specific place). Always wait for a “YES” before going ahead. Say “NO” when it feels like it. Practice not taking the “NO” personally. If any issues come up, go back to Game 2! Tip: A rejection isn’t about you - it’s about what the other doesn’t want. All these games were inspired by Tantra and Authentic Relating Workshops I’ve taken part in. Special thanks to David Cates, Robyn Dalzen & Matthias Schwenteck for hosting some of these events. Learn more: The School of Consent is a training organisation promoting the values and skills of the Wheel of Consent, as developed by Dr. Betty Martin. Offering courses, events, coaching, and consulting for professionals, individuals & couples, and businesses. |
RSS Feed
|
What Others Are Saying
|
|
Contact Nina
|