Author Nina Edmondson - Hypnotherapist - Yoga Therapist - NLP Practitioner - Meditation Guide Non-Violent Communication For you, your family, friendships, partnerships and colleagues Ever wonder why someone behaves they do? Did a thing they did? Maybe after knowing this person for 'X amount of years' you think you already know? Do you agree that everyone's different? We can only perceive from our own point of view - with the 'tools' available to us. Our senses. Our experiences. Our personal logic. No-one can mind-read. Why we sometimes behave the way we do We can get negatively triggered by all sorts of input and react accordingly. When you're triggered by something not to your liking - your internal red-alert goes off. You push that thing away. Defending yourself by rejecting it. With anger (fight), with avoidance (flight), with non-action (freeze). No-one can mind read - so it makes sense to ask People who aren't used to reflecting on the cause and effect of their actions can feel uncomfortably confronted when asked about them - and react defensively. Most often our motives aren't clear to us - until we look below the surface. * See links at bottom of article. I'm a very curious person - my top value being 'truth' whatever variation of the truth that may be. Personal Truths, Universal Truths. I can be very direct - and in the past often blurted out my curiosity - then felt stumped when others reacted in defense. I now know that my questions may have felt like interrogations rather than inquisitiveness. And that my curiosity was sometimes misunderstood as criticism. I'm continuously working on my delivery. I do this by: Asking permission & providing a back-out clause: "I'm curious, can I ask you a question? - if you don't feel like answering that's OK!" Being Clear about my Motives: "I'm not asking from a place of criticism - but from one of curiosity. I'm asking because I'd love to understand". If you really are interested in the truth of the matter at hand - instead of jumping to conclusions about other people's inner worlds (assuming you can mind-read) which promotes judgement and blame (and pushes that person away from you). 1. Reflect on the cause and effect of your own triggers (for how can you begin to understand others if you're unable to reflect on your own). 2. Ask permission before delving into 'deep waters' and make it clear that you don't expect an answer. (Cornering people isn't nice). 3. Reflect on how you deliver your curiosity / express your needs. Consider when communicating your thoughts that they are about you. You can’t know what another person is thinking or feeling until they tell you. You can only know about yourself. Emphasise how YOU feel - not what you think the person is 'doing wrong'. This shifts the focus away from the other, allowing them to 'take a step back' without getting defensive - and gives them insight into your world. 4. Listen to their answers - and if that person's truth doesn't gel with yours - remember - everyone is different. It's not about making someone into another version of yourself or about 'fixing' them - but about clearing up misconceptions, expressing feelings and needs clearly, developing trust and deepening relationships/intimacy. 5. If someone isn't up for reflecting on their triggers, feelings, needs and behaviour - that's up to them. Reflection and deeper understanding of yourself is a personal decision and nothing that can be forced. Accept that person's decision and move on. 6. Humour! Being more mindful and self aware doesn't have to be super serious! Keeping it light and being able to laugh at ourselves prevents us from becoming too self absorbed - and it's a lot more fun in the process! Here are 3 Fun Communication Games to play * Looking below the surface: Mindfulness Meditation NLP Time Based Techniques The Conscious and Subconscious Mind Further reading: Practicing NonViolent Communication The following are vocab lists that may help in expressing yourself more clearly. The Center For NonViolent Communication:
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